The second thing God taught me in regards to the healing of my calloused heart, was the fact that I needed to root down the issue.
Last week we discussed the head and heart disconnect, we know in our heads something that is true about God’s will for our life, but in our hearts it’s not computing.
The reason, for me, it was not computing in my heart was because I had a corrupted belief system that was counterintuitive to the truth I knew about God’s will for my life. I was unaware of this corrupted belief system, I didn’t even recognize the corrupted belief system because it was second nature to me.
God created us to be believing creatures and our belief systems are based on our experiences in life, our environment, how we are influenced by our peers, parents etc. We develop basic life beliefs about;
- Who we are;
- Whom we can trust;
- What is good or bad;
- What we are worth;
- What our purpose in life is; and
- What God is like
Our beliefs influence and control our lives. The sum of our beliefs create a belief system and this belief system is how we will respond in life. When we believe things year after year, we no longer realize that we are processing our beliefs to make a decision because of its second nature to us. It becomes very familiar.
(content shared from Scope Ministries Int’l Inc)
Unfortunately for me, I had a belief system that was based on brokenness and wasn’t the truth of who I am in Christ. I had multiple layers of hurt that piled up in my calloused heart and God so patiently and slowly addressed each one, one by one.
One of the most influential beliefs in my story was the belief I had since my early childhood years and that was I didn’t have a godly earthly father to show me how to live the life God had for me. I was so resentful for this situation with God for many, many, many years!!! Every time I had to deal with the shortcomings of not having a godly earthly father, I would scream up to God with a very angry voice, why didn’t you bless me with a godly earthly father to give me the love I deserved to have as a little girl. This was a deeply rooted belief in my heart that calloused my heart with a thick coating of bitterness. I remember demanding that God would send me a godly earthly father figure and he never gave me one, which only added to the anger. I mentioned in an earlier post that I would cry at the drop of a dime when I saw a little girl being treated like a princess by her daddy. When I went deep within and rooted down the reason why I was hurt, I recognized that I had a belief that didn’t coincide with God’s truth. I believed that I was not worthy of a Father’s love because God had forgotten about me. Even when I said those words, I knew in my head that it wasn’t true but in my heart, it was so so so so very real and true.
One lonely night, sitting in my city apartment, looking out the window into the darkness of night, I experienced a moment of feeling completely unworthy of a father’s love. I closed my eyes, sitting on my desk chair, in the fetal position, I tried to comfort myself as I held my knees close to me and cried so hard from the pain that was going on in my heart. In that very moment, I got a vision. I saw a little girl version of me, crying in the same fetal position facing a corner for a wall. I saw the heavenly father holding the little girl version of myself. Then the vision immediately changed and I saw myself in the apartment exactly how I stood at that moment (sitting at the desk in the fetal position) but this time the heavenly father was holding me. Immediately I felt the warmth of his embrace around me. I believe during that warm embrace, he healed me. This scripture was what he spoke into my heart.
“1 John 3:1 Living Bible (TLB)
3 See how very much our heavenly Father loves us, for he allows us to be called his children—think of it—and we really are! But since most people don’t know God, naturally they don’t understand that we are his children.
Back when I was a child, I didn’t know I had a heavenly father who loved me unconditionally. He was holding me back then and embracing me now because both times it has broken his heart that I was believing a lie about myself.
He revealed to me at that moment that I was believing a lie this whole time. I had a father this whole time, I just was unaware of it. He had always loved me, even before I knew him. He showed me that no earthly father is perfect, they all come short of his glory and that I have always had his unconditional love for me. He whispered in my heart that he has been waiting patiently and excitingly for this very moment at this very time to reveal this truth to me and heal my broken heart.
Since this day, I no longer feel like an orphan without a father. I no longer feel like a victim of abandonment. He has released me and healed me from this deeply rooted corrupted belief. It took years, many prayers and going deeper with God with a very deep wound. I believe that it took all of that time for him to slowly peel back the layers of bitterness so he could get to the heart of the matter.
Love in abundance,