Photo by: IG @bei.bei.wei

The last few weeks we discussed on the blog the following steps God used to heal me from a deeply rooted emotional pain from childhood; first he met me where I was at by revealing to me the fact that I had a calloused heart, second he revealed to me the disconnect I was experiencing between my head and heart as a result of a calloused heart, thirdly he showed me how to root down the issue by revealing a corrupted belief system, next he healed me!

We are now on the fourth step and that is the step of healing. I love the way God used this step by step process when it came to healing me, due to the complexity and layers of hurt that accumulated over 30 years, he knew that I needed to go through each step in my own timing to fully grasp the truth that he so lovingly wanted me to understand. When we let unresolved pain grow in our hearts it can grow into this massive snowball entangling multiple layers of pain which becomes complex.  I think a really good indicator that this may be happening to you, is if you cry for no reason.  Find yourself laughing really hard for no reason. Or experiencing any other feelings in an extreme manner when there is no real reason for it. 

Due to the unresolved pain, I had added layers of hurt as it related to boyfriends, the men in my family, the anger I had towards God about my current situation, the feeling that I had to take care of me because no one else would, just to name a few.

Have you ever given your hurt to God and then turn around and realized at some point you took it right back without even knowing it and now you have to give it all back again.  Yep, that had been the storyline for me as it relates to this pain. I would often ask myself, “How did that happen again?”

I learned during the process there is a difference between letting go and suppressing pain. I would tell God I am letting go of the pain and that I am giving it to him. I would sincerely feel a release in doing so. Then, when the pain came to the surface from a different angle, I would think to myself I already gave that to God and thought nothing more about it, when in reality I was suppressing

the pain. I got busy with life to avoid the pain. I knew something wasn’t right, but my busy schedule was too busy for me to stop and process it at that moment.  So I lied to myself and pushed the pain back down inside of me.

We all know that if we suppress pain, it will just come out of us in some other shape or form.  That’s exactly what happened, it just built up inside of me and once again I found myself frustrated with God saying I gave this to you why is it back?  God showed me that I gave it to him but then took it right back again. 

Completely anxious to get rid of this pain, I remember asking my mentors and anyone else who had experience with letting go of pain, “How do you let it go?, I thought I let it go, but then it just came right back again.  How do you do it so it’s truly gone?”

I never got a concrete answer on how to let go, people just told me in different variations the same thing “Let it go”.  One night I was praying on my knees, envisioning my pain leaving my chest and going up into the heavens.  I prayed that God would take the pain, then I heard a whisper from God. He said, “When will you truly forgive them?”.  I knew at that moment the reality of my situation. I had asked God to take the pain, thinking all I had to do was ask him to take it. In my complete ignorance, I didn’t realize that I was the one holding myself back from letting go.  I never truly forgave my father and all the men who hurt me in my life. I thought I had to hold on to the offense so I could keep myself from getting hurt again.  But that’s not how it works. You see, God showed me that it’s the complete opposite. In order to be free of this hurt of my past, and to eliminate it from happening again in the future, I have to forgive the people that hurt me.  Because when you forgive your offender, you release yourself from being a victim.  When you choose not to forgive, you choose to remain a victim. God knew how he designed our hearts. He knows that growing bitterness in our hearts from unforgiveness will keep us in bondage and far from the life he designed for us.  

At that moment, I chose to forgive my father and all the men that hurt me.  I literally felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders, I could feel the layer of bitterness that covered my heart vanish like the vapor from a hot iron on newly pressed clothes.  My heart physically felt lighter. The head and heart disconnect were no longer and I felt a connection between the two that gave me so much clarity.  I now had a new profound understanding of;

John 9:39

39 Jesus said,[a] “For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind.”

I woke up the next morning feeling full of light and excitement. I had more energy and saw a world of opportunity in front of me. It’s like this heavy cloud of darkness, had been lifted and now I could see a different ending to my story. I knew at this moment that I had truly been healed.

Stay tuned for the final installment of the calloused heart where I will share a new perspective that God gave me as a result of this new healing.

Love in Abundance,

Jamie